Couples Counseling

It's a fair question — and an important one. The honest answer is that no therapist can guarantee outcomes. What we can tell you is that the research on couples therapy is genuinely encouraging, and that the factors most predictive of success are probably not what you'd expect.

It's not about how bad things have gotten. Couples who come to therapy in crisis can and do make profound, lasting change. It's not about whether you agree on everything — you won’t, and you don't have to. And it's not about whether both of you are equally enthusiastic about being here. It's common for one partner to be more hesitant than the other at the start. That hesitance is welcome in the room too.

What does matter is willingness. A willingness to show up, to be honest — even when it's uncomfortable — and to stay curious about your partner's experience rather than just defending your own. You don't have to arrive with that fully intact. But if some version of it exists, even underneath the frustration and the hurt, that is enough to work with.

What we also know is this: the couples most at risk are not the ones who fight — it's the ones who have stopped trying altogether. If you are here, reading this, considering whether therapy could help — that’s enough. There is a part of you that still believes something better is possible. And that belief, however fragile it feels right now, is exactly where the work begins.

It's more common than you might think — it doesn't have to mean the end of the conversation.

A reluctant partner is not necessarily a closed door. Hesitation about therapy can come from many places: fear of being blamed, skepticism about whether it will help, discomfort with vulnerability, past experiences with therapy that didn't feel safe, or simply not knowing what to expect. None of these are insurmountable. And sometimes, the most effective first step is not convincing your partner to come — it's coming yourself.

Individual therapy can be a powerful starting point for relational work. When one partner begins to understand their own patterns, starts to communicate differently, and responds to conflict with more intention and less reactivity, it changes the dynamic between both people — whether the other partner is in the room or not. Relationships are dynamic, and when one partner system shifts, the other is forced to adapt. Your growth is never wasted, even if it begins alone.

It’s also worth knowing that pressure rarely works. The more one partner pushes, the more the other tends to dig in. If your partner is hesitant, it may help to share what you are hoping to get out of therapy — not what you think they need to fix, but what you are longing for. More connection? More understanding? A way through something that has felt impossible? Framing it as something you want to build together, rather than a problem to be solved, can sometimes open a door that felt firmly shut.

And if your partner eventually decides they are willing to try — even reluctantly, even skeptically — that’s enough to begin. Some of the most meaningful breakthroughs in couples counseling happen with the partner who swore they didn't need to be there.

This is a great question — and one worth thinking through carefully, because the answer has real implications for your experience.

We believe understanding each person individually makes us a better therapist for the couple. Every relationship is made up of two whole, complex people — each with their own history, their own wounds, and their own way of moving through the world. Taking the time to understand both of you separately allows us to show up more fully for you together.

At Sonder Psychotherapy, our couples therapy process begins with a structured assessment — and individual sessions are actually a built-in part of that process. Here is what that typically looks like:

We start with a joint session, where we meet all together to get a sense of the relationship, the presenting concerns, and what each of you is hoping to find on the other side of this work. From there, we schedule a brief individual session with each partner separately. This gives us the chance to understand you as individuals. These sessions provide a dedicated space to share your own history, perspective, and experience of the relationship — things that can sometimes be difficult to express fully when your partner is in the room. Once those individual sessions are complete, we come back together as a trio to share our assessment and recommendations, and decide collaboratively how to move forward.

It is worth noting that beyond this initial assessment process, we generally don’t continue individual sessions with both partners simultaneously. This helps us maintain the neutrality and trust that effective couples therapy requires. The relationship remains the focus — and everything we do is in service of that.

If individual therapy feels like something that would be useful alongside your couples work, we are happy to connect you with a separate individual therapist — either within our practice or through a trusted referral. Many couples find this combination to be a powerful one.